Category Archives: Horrorscopes

Horrorscope March 2013

Aries

I was recently the only witness to the Mud Bear Prophecy as dictated by the Queen of the Underlings. Here it is. “He shall rise again, the great Bear, the wallower, the Up-Rooter! He shall rise and the world will fall for he will uproot the foundations of all buildings, the roots of all trees and all people will bow before him.” She went on to say that he will be rising around Saint Patrick’s Day and is currently hibernating deep in the mud of the Earth, somewhere beneath your house, Aries. You’ve got a couple days to move and go into hiding. Preferably somewhere without any mud. Or dirt. Or dusty particles that gather in the corners of things. Good luck.

Taurus

The shopping mall has four department stores, three sunglasses kiosks, and twenty seven stores that appear to sell mannequins but do not contain clothes that would fit an actual human being. But that’s not the most horrifying thing about your local mall, Taurus. I know a secret about the ice cream shop. Their signature fudgy nanner topping gets its perfectly gooey consistency from grinding up stray cats. And bunnies. And…remember that dog that your parents told you they sent to live with a nice family on a farm?

Gemini

In the sewers of Chicago, a rebellion is forming. It’s not rats or cockroaches. It is a group of creatures never before seen by human eyes and they are sick and tired of being ignored. They are gelatinous creatures, similar in appearance to jellyfish with fourteen opposable appendages. They are slightly more solid than jellyfish and can stand well enough to march while gripping their weapons– sharpened bits of flotsam that have made their way into the sewers. Doesn’t sound very scary? Well they happen to be completely covered, from the top of their jelly blob to the bottom of their arm stalks with stinging cnedocytes filled with a similar but slightly stronger version of the toxin used by the box jelly fish.  So one gooey little tap, and you’re finished. My advice? Avoid plumbing. And Chicago.

Cancer

There is a gang of bikers that tears around your neighborhood, and lately you’ve noticed that one in particular slows down and stares as he drives by your house. His eyes and nose are vaguely reptilian: slitted and damp looking. Soon, Cancer, if you don’t do something, he will stop in front of you house. He will walk up to your front door and he will deposit a swaddled bundle on your door step. By the time you open the door he will be gone. When you open the bundle you will find a baby. A green baby, covered from gills to flippers with scales. But it will smile at you, and you will fall in love. That will be the beginning of the end for you, Cancer. Watch out.

Leo

You may have noticed that your basement has been extra dark lately, like the light just wasn’t reaching the farthest corner anymore. If you’ve been going down there frequently you may have seen that the darkness started out small but in the past few months has grown to be roughly the size of a Volkswagen Beetle. Or maybe you haven’t gone down there at all. If that is the case, when that sac of giant spiders that ooze darkness bursts and billions of tiny, almost microscopic spiders swarm up your stairs and into your kitchen, it’s going to be quite a shock.

Virgo

The Heinz ketchup plant is in Pittsburgh Pennsylvania, which, in the 1700’s was the vampire capital of the western world. Ketchup was originally made almost entirely of blood and was marketed as “Catch Up- Blood for the Speed-Impaired Vampire.” These days, there is no blood in the ketchup recipe but Heinz was just purchased by a wealthy man who insists on doing all business transactions after dark and he intends to make a few changes. Not only will blood be back on the ingredient list (under hemoglobin, so most people wont know or care what they’re eating), but there will be a special additive that makes ordinary humans into vampires. You have a couple of options, Virgo. You can continue to eat ketchup and morph vampiric like the rest of the nation, you can find your way into the Ketchup King’s lair and put a stop to his evil plans before they become a reality. Or you can take a nap. The nap plan does not guarantee the longest lifespan but it does have the potential to involve some wild dream action. Your call.

Libra

Why are there no more door to door vacuum cleaner salesmen? Do people just prefer to buy their vacuum cleaners in an actual store? That can’t be it, look at how much people like to shop on the internet. Leaving the house is a terrible inconvenience. Maybe you should restart the door to door salesman revolution Libra! You could make millions! Fair warning, though. The reason there are no more vacuum cleaner salesmen is that serial killers marked them as perfect targets because no one loves them. In fact, once the killers figured out that they had a seemingly endless source of people that no one would miss, the salesmen disappeared rather quickly. And now, years after they’re gone people do miss them, though they don’t realize it. So what will it be, Libra? Make millions and probably be brutally murdered, or stay poor and live to old age?

Scorpio

If you’ve ever taken the city bus or the subway  you may have noticed that all of the drivers have the same glazed expression. That is because they aren’t human. They are robots controlled by an extremely simple program, designed to scan the retinas of every passenger and store the genetic secrets they find there. They are lying in wait for the day when someone important rides the bus so their retinal scan will allow the robots to access powerful information. The program is patient, but not infinitely so and if someone important doesn’t get on a bus somewhere this will all have been in vain. You can ride the bus though Scorpio. It doesn’t want you.

Sagittarius

Finally, it is going to happen. You’ve been preparing for years, waiting to be able to show off your survival skills and your amazing accuracy at smashing people’s skulls with a garden shovel and now the zombie apocalypse is here. It doesn’t matter how it started, you are just so ready to jump in there and start killing. Civilization wasn’t really your cup of tea, but chaos and death? You are totally in your element. Unfortunately your preferred method of killing sprays zombie blood all over you; it is not a tidy kill like in the movies. So the first zombie you kill will infect you and you will spend the remainder of the zombie apocalypse moaning “braaaaaiiiiiiinnss.” Your brother does quite well, though and manages to survive nearly until the end. Does that make you feel better?

Capricorn

All you security guards and angry store owners who drive skateboarders off their property are going to regret it. Since the 1970’s a group of the world’s most fit and powerful young people have been training to save the world. They are a peaceful group, trained in agility, creativity, and strength and when the great race of Vorgnak’s descend from the stars onto Earth to enslave its people, the skateboarders will be ready. They will be able to outrun the giant creatures of Vorgnak with speed and sick tricks and when they have tired them out, the skateboarders give them an offering of slaves to take back to Vorgnorax, on the condition that they never return. If I were you I would let them skateboard where they want, and for god’s sake, stop calling the police or you could be added to the sacrifice list.

Aquarius

This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius. If you act now, you will be elected president. There is something in the air that is making everyone think extremely highly of you. It is a fine dust that sprinkled down on North America after a particularly boisterous solar flare and for you, Aquarius, it is a gift from the gods. But you better hurry, because the next solar flare is going to drop giant balls of boiling magma on us, so if you want to accomplish something, it better be now.

Pisces

Everyone knows that when you cut an earthworm in half, each half stays alive and becomes a separate worm. This is because of their multiple hearts. However, only the half that has the thick band around it will be able to reproduce. This is a natural form of population control, which is really quite good to have, because with the number of earthworms you’ve cut in half in your life, Pisces, there would be more worms than dirt if both halves could reproduce. And when they ran out of soil, and the ground was just a writhing pink mass beneath our feet, they would start to eat us. But thankfully, we never have to see what a human looks like after coming out the backside of an engorged earth worm. No thanks to you Pisces.